wonder-full

A friend of mine was telling us over the weekend about some younger friends of his (in their early 20s) who were pregnant. He couldn't understand why they wanted to have kids so young, since it means so much about your lifestyle changes. I think his feeling was, your 20s are for playing and your 30s are for settling down and starting a family.

To be honest, for the first two or three weeks after we had V, I missed the freedom of being able to go out with friends on the spur of the moment, grabbing drinks or dinner whenever I wanted to, sleeping in on the weekends. But after a while, that feeling faded and was replaced with a real contentment and joy in this new phase of life. It's kind of amazing how, eleven weeks later, this little being feels like a seamless addition to our lives. I'm certainly not at the point where I can't remember what life was like without her, but I am at the point where I can't imagine life without her.

New York is different from most other parts of the country in that for various reasons, women wait until later in life to start a family. I couldn't find a statistic on the average age of first-time mothers in NYC, but based on the sample set of our peers, at 31 we are among the first of our friends to have kids (I only know two other couples with children). And while I don't regret at all waiting to have a baby at 31, I realized that my answer to my friend's question is that regardless of the fears you might have about parenthood, or about how things will change, you choose to do it because you have an inkling that it will be wonderful. I didn't realize how wonderful until I had V, I just knew that the time felt right, and I was finally ready. I think that time is different for everyone - 25, 31, 40, but it really is a wonder-filled time, and I wouldn't trade it for my old freedom and independence, or even for a solid 8 hours of sleep.

Time and Time

The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory. - Chinese Proverb

We take A LOT of photos and videos of V. There are probably a couple hundred already and she's not even 3 months old. I was watching an interview with photographer Mike Blabac and he was talking about how he used to just go shoot and shoot, knowing that he might capture an image that, in 10 years, could look back on and know that he captured a real seminal moment. In our lives as adults, things don't change nearly as quickly as when we were kids, and certainly not as much as when we were babies. Just looking at photos of V at the hospital and now, the differences are amazing!

But each day that passes is a day that will someday fade from memory. There are already things that she did in the first few weeks that she already doesn't do anymore. I hope that the tons of photos we take will help preserve those little things that we see all the time now, but in 30 years will be hard to remember.

clean and dirty slates

Jenna posted some thoughts about failure and parenthood, something I've been thinking about for a while now. I remember when V was first born, being excited and in awe that she/we were a blank slate - no mistakes had been made. I knew it wouldn't last long (and it didn't), but there was something beautiful and hopeful about those first moments. I'm a perfectionist by nature - I love clean slates - new years, new projects - and I tend to be hard on myself when mistakes happen. Sometimes I just want to start over (I call a redo!), but obviously with motherhood (and really, most things in life), that is impossible. In V's short 9-week life, I've already let myself/her down more than a few times, and the guilt that goes along with that can be overwhelming, if I allow it to be. It's far too easy to give more importance to a mistake than the many things that I might actually be doing right.

A cousin posted this quote on her facebook status, and it resonated with me, as it's a sentiment I've been reflecting on for a while - "Who you are is not what you've been." I thank God for that - that I am not defined by my failures (or successes), but that I am a work-in-progress, hopefully learning from my mistakes. It is sink or swim - I can either be overwhelmed and focused on my failures, or I can learn from them, put them aside, and try to be better. Like most things in life, mothers are made, and I hope every day to make the little choices that help me to grow into a better wife, mother, and friend.